I guess for a start, listening to yourself and being curious..... I do try to notice my own discomfort and check in on my inner dialogue but an incident a couple of days ago led me to re-evaluate my self-compassion! On this occasion, I really “heard” my self-talk…. the content seemed to develop a “rational” answer, but it wasn’t really resonating true and I suddenly realised it wasn’t what I was saying but how I was saying it. I wasn’t believing it, I wasn’t “feeling it” and the reason? It was all in the tone! Because my internal dialogue wasn’t that of an “equal” - my tone to myself was condescending and berating. It wasn’t how I would speak to someone else! Although my words “that’s not helpful right now….” were accurate, in acknowledging my tone (which made it sound more like a “well that’s not helpful is it?!.... tut-tut you shouldn’t think like that...” kind-of-tone) I was able to repeat it in a more compassionate and helpful way; acknowledging that I felt uncomfortable, that what I was experiencing was normal human stuff and I could do something different if I wanted. By forgiving myself for being human and not “telling myself off” I allowed myself to believe, to feel, that something else was possible.

​The Cambridge dictionary defines compassion as a strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for other people’s suffering or bad luck and a desire to help”. It implies some kind of suffering together BUT with the aim of moving forward.  So, compassion for others engages us in feeling both emotionally and physically another’s pain/suffering. However, compassion is not just about empathy; putting yourself in (what it might be like to be in) someone else's shoes, nor is it about personalising their pain or being kind at the expense of moving forward, (although kindness may be shown in compassion).  So for instance, it’s not about just reassuring ourselves that everything is ok – because in fact everything ISN’T always ok!  Sometimes what is needed is honesty and that can involve discomfort. Although compassion is not cruel and un-thinking, it can sometimes also take a confidence/courage to say what is needed, perhaps, especially to ourselves; but with compassion there IS a belief that there will be a way forward. Sometimes this might include saying something is not ok or saying “no” to something but it in a way that demonstrates an equality i.e. not pitying, berating or talking down but respecting the other as one human being to another (or to yourself as a human being) .

​sometimes we also need to notice and acknowledge our less helpful traits, acknowledge when something isn’t ok, learn to tolerate the discomfort; and with mindful awareness of our discomfort we might develop a way forward and allow ourselves to “let go” of mind blocking negative feelings such as guilt, shame and anger. Like the process of forgiveness in which no one is let off the hook; we are all accountable for our own thoughts and behaviour, but we don’t have to hold them unchanged and therefore hold negative feeling. There are some things that just aren’t ok but in reminding ourselves of healthy boundaries and accepting that we are not infallible we can keep trying to do something that is helpful.

​also remember that its not always the most happy period of time for everyone and that even the pressure to be "joyful" is sometimes too much pressure.  Follow over the next 25 days for my Top Tips for alleviating your stress levels heading toward Christmas Day....
Click through each number 1-25 for each day's "words of wisdom" - sorry no chocolate in this particular advent calendar! But to be sure, I shall also be found nibbling each of my advent treats as the 25th draws nigh!.....

pattern, but there are some things we can do to that can help improve our chances of getting a good night’s rest. These include making changes in our Environment, Behaviour and Thinking.....
There's no one magic panacea unfortunately but a combination of factors can make a difference. Check out the following ideas and get tweeking! 

 Self-care (including diet, physical activity and sleep) is an important aspect of recovery in depression but one that is often neglected generally despite it being an important factor in maintaining good health and more often than not, issues in these areas, also show up as a symptom of depression. 

Our diet is an important part of our health and wellbeing and there is ever growing research that what we eat can help us optimise our mental health as well as our physical health. We know that heavy alcohol intake and certain drug use can change the way our brain functions, you just have to look down the high street on a friday night to witness that!.... Well it makes perfect sense that if your brain doesn’t receive the nutrition including hydration that it requires to function and is subjected to bombardment by free radicals damaging cell tissue caused by (amongst other things) an unhealthy diet, that it could also affect how well the brain works. 

The affect of food on mood is not a new idea, in fact research dates back to the 1970s – but there are increasing research studies linking food and mood. Including differences in requirements of different age groups. With younger adults needing more meat than older adults who seem to benefit more from foods with antioxidant properties. There may also be a link with poor diet in childhood and adolescence to mental health issues as clearly the brain requires nutrition for it's continuing  development during this important time. It makes sense that the changing brain needs a different balance as it changes with age. 

Fluctuations from low to high blood sugar levels can cause mood swings on a day to day basis and it also appears that the impact of regularly missing breakfast may be linked to depression according to The American Psychiatric Association. 
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​According the American Physicians Committee, we need a balance of approx 1:1 (no more than 4:1) of Omega 6 to Omega 3 in our diet as deficiencies in these fatty acids which help our biological functioning can lead to amongst other problems, depression. However like any fat too much is also not good for us! They recommend that intake of Omega 3 should be 1.1g /day for women and 1.6g /day for men. The British Nutrition Foundation suggest that in UK we generally get enough of Omega 6 in our diet but not Omega 3. Its all about balance as too much Omega 6 appears to wipe out the positive effects of Omega 3, hence the suggested ratios.

Wholegrain foods, vegetables and fruit are important factor in maintaining good mental health according to an article in The British Journal of Psychiatry. The study showed a strong link to development of depression in those with a diet high in processed, high fat,high sugar and protective factor in those eating the healthier diet. 

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deserve my feedback!), but about what I actually put in my reviews.... AND its also had me considering how writing a service review could actually be a useful process of therapy for the therapy client and certainly how it might help others even if they don't use my service!

​Many people can be quick to complain and can use reviews as a place to vent their frustrations and discontent... unfortunately I occasionally see complaints made on social media platforms about some local businesses, but I often wonder how quick are those same people to feedback a positive experience? To be fair we are all busy and taking the time to sit down and write a review isn't always our top priority! Especially when its gone well - we just move on to the next thing we're dealing with. Yet often we have had really good service and not shared that for others who also may benefit.
So we know that no reviews doesn't necessarily mean a service isn't worth looking at but then does a service with lots of 5 star ratings actually mean they're really good? We'd hope so, although some sceptics might think they might have just been voted for by friends and family!!! ....who may think we're marvelous but also may be somewhat biased!
How complex finding the right service can sometimes be!

​When looking for any service I want to feel confident that it's going to be the right one for me. When I buy a new pair of jeans, I look at the picture/see them on someone else/see them in the shop, I know the size (roughly!), the colour-ways, leg cut etc, I can try them on, I can feel/see the quality before completing the purchase or returning them if they're not what I want. A service just isn't that straight forward - once the decorator has been in and 'painted' the carpet it's not quite so simple to "just return it" but ranting about it on social media or in a review isn't going to resolve it either nor does it necessarily reflect fully that there had for instance, been an accident involving the cat and the paint pot and that the carpet was professionally cleaned free of charge. 

Everyone's needs are different (and while I'm guessing none of us really want paint on our carpet there are other aspects of a service that we might have differing requirements/expectations of). Having an insight in to what another person found useful about a service can help you decide what might work for you.

​​What I would really like to see when I'm looking for a service is genuine examples of how and why it was helpful not just that it was.  Whilst I don't want to find myself coughing up for something that turns out to be a bit dodgy etc I don't really like to just see non-constructive, negative comments either... they also lead me to wonder how balanced ARE the reviews I'm seeing anyway when I KNOW I'm guilty of not taking the time to write reviews myself? That's why personal reviews with a bit of detail about exactly what was good about the service are far more useful for my decision making.

Reviews can be particularly helpful to future potential therapy clients. Of course it's better still when the feedback comes from someone they know and trust! I'm not saying a therapy service is more important than any other service but therapy is incredibly personal; trusting someone with your innermost feelings and thoughts, sharing things about yourself that you've perhaps not even shared with anyone else before can be really anxiety provoking - sometimes a new client may worry about "What the therapist will think?", "Am I going to be able to say what I feel", "Will I be understood", "Is this going to really help" etc
Hearing from others about what it was that they found useful from a therapy service can give a prospective client useful insight and
1. Help them toward their decision to get help (knowing you're not alone can be such a relief and hearing from others that it can change brings hope!).
2. Help them decide if the therapist might be the right person for them and whether they might  provide the best therapy approach for them.

I know that one therapist and one therapy doesn't fit all and you certainly won't find me just "throwing a therapy at the problem" so this is why it is still important to have the discussion with the Therapist before going ahead and booking  your appointment. I always like to talk to people directly about what they're looking for in therapy; it gives me the chance to be open about what I can and can't do and for the individual to get a sense of what I might be like to work with.
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But even if the person decides a particular therapy service isn't for them the importance of seeing that it is possible to get benefit from therapy is likely to encourage them to continue the search for the right therapist for them.​

Reviewing your own therapy progress can be a really important part of the process and is something I often formally do with clients as they're coming to the end of therapy, this is especially important when making change and empowers the individual with their new understanding and tools for life. Understanding what you have learnt about yourself and your problems, what was useful in therapy and how you are going to take that forward can help you to maintain that progress.  A simple reflection of what the key things that were useful in therapy, completed as a review for the service, not only helps the service provider and  others looking for help but also has a benefit for the client..... Reflection consolidates learning; the client can feel proud of the change they have seen, boost their confidence that they can carry this forward and reflect on knowing what the service can help with (or what other strategies might be useful) should they find themselves or a friend or family member struggling in the future.  Even if the client would still prefer to anonomise their review, the process of writing down some of what was useful in this way can help to cement that for them and to feel good about themselves for achieving that progress. 
In addition the act of helping someone else can make us feel good, whether you're helping another person who is looking for help and maybe feeling anxious or uncertain about doing so, or whether its  supporting a small business - it's helping others! 

​Local small businesses are part of what makes our community thrive. Supporting them is so important. Complainers are often quick to shout but we're all guilty of not writing those positive reviews! It is really refreshing to see recommendations being made for local businesses on our local FB page occasionally - for one its just nice to see something positive being said but they are also really useful when I'm looking for a service later too! We really should shout about the good stuff more often!!
Consider writing a review for other local businesses - helping others can make you feel good! And it only has to take a few moments of our time to write something while sitting down to have a cuppa, waiting for a bus or travelling on the train! 
I'm going to be putting small business reviews on my to-do list more often! Will you?!

as a stress. Natural hunger is our body telling us it needs nutrition and prompts us to eat which is kind of useful in terms of survival.

​But generally when we think about stress we think about the negative aspects. We're usually referring to excess stress - the kind that eventually leads us to feel exhausted, irritable, miserable  etc.....
Symptoms of excess stress can include:

• Poor concentration
• Forgetfulness
• Bowel problems
• Sleep problems
• Appetite change
• Irritability
• Reduced energy
• Tiredness
• Lack of libido
• Aches and pains
• Headaches
• Clumsiness
• Increasing alcohol or smoking
• Lack of enjoyment
• Poor motivation

Stress can also lead to more severe and chronic health problems; causing inflammation in the body and lead to conditions affecting auto-immunity, blood pressure, heart disease, bowel issues such as IBS, cancer, stroke, heart attack, depression and anxiety. (Check your mood HERE)

For a rough guide as to whether you are under excess stress you may like to try this quiz from Popular Science. Note that it's not a diagnostic tool and if you feel you are struggling then looking at ways to try to reduce your stress levels or different ways to cope with life's challenges is going to be a good idea. Ideally we're looking for a balance in our lifestyle but it's not always easy as life can be busy and can catch up on us; although it  can throw us fast balls, stress often is accumulative and we can suddenly find that the things we normally cope well with are now overwhelming us!

​GP and with a therapist to get some support and look at managing stress better.
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TOP TIPS FOR REDUCING STRESS

•  Exercise and Yoga
• Change Your Posture
• Mindful Meditation
• A nutrient rich balanced diet
• Nurture Your Microbiome
• Time Outside
• Being Social
• Laughter
• Essential Oils
• Keep a Journal or Just Talk
• Challenge Your Thoughts with “Cognitive Behavioural Therapy”
• Breathing Exercises

Watch the blog for more information on some of these tips..... why and how they can help....

YES! When we're stressed, when we're anxious, when we're angry AND in fact EVERY day. Let me explain....
Our brain is hard wired to protect and survive; a small primitive but powerful part of our brain, the amygdala, is constantly alert for signals of danger. It's the part of our brain which kick starts the "Fight/Flight/Freeze" survival response. It works amazingly!! And the physiological process occurring in the survival response is truly incredible! Unfortunately the amygdala, whilst it's looking out for us, is not a rational part of our brain and can kick off in a split second when it interprets threat. Unfortunately the "threat" may not actually be a "life or death" threat but our body is motivated, infact propelled,  into responding at its optimum performance.  Great when we find ourselves being attacked by a dangerous animal (hmm I'm encountering tigers all the time!!) and when we need to be functioning at our optimum for a deadline or an exam but not so great when its triggered constantly by everyday stressors. The stress response constantly "kicking off" has a negative effect on our physical health - it's exhausting for one! It impacts our immune system, our digestive system, our cardiovascular system. After all its purpose is to ensure immediate safety, here and now, not for the long term.  So when the instinctive brain perceives a "life or death" scenario (that isn't always "life or death"!!) then at that moment, fighting disease, replenishing skin cells, digesting food effectively is not a priority.

There's lots of ways to relax and release yourself from the survival / stress response. For instance Yoga, Tai Chi, Mindful meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, massage, breathing exercises.
Deep breathing, often referred to as diaphragmatic breathing allows us to take a full natural breath, optimising oxygen exchange.   By deliberately activating a healthy diaphragmatic breath it indicates to our brain that we are in a relaxed peaceful state to heal, to digest, replenish skin cells, fight infection and helps to lower blood pressure..... it helps us relax and can help us manage stressful and anxiety provoking situations.
So we can use this type of breathing in stressful situations, for instance, I still use breathing exercises to "breath through" my dentist appointment if I have to have work done! Focusing on the breath can help manage pain; its not a case of simply "distracting" yourself with breathing but allowing yourself to "breath through" the pain - its no surprise that mothers have been taught breathing exercises to help in labour (note: no one said a breathing exercise made labour pain free mind!)  Recently I fell and hurt my back and whilst doing yoga the other day my back went into an excrutiating spasm but focussing on the breath got me through it. ​

When  I was first taught to do diaphragmatic breathing I was told to put one hand on my chest and one on my stomach and to make sure that as I took a breath in to watch my stomach rise and as I took a breath out watch my stomach fall...... well that's certainly what it should look like but try making yourself do that! How un-natural can breathing naturally feel?!!! You can use "7/11" breathing or a "breathing square" - what ever works for you but why not...
Try this instead...

1. Close your eyes, soften your lips so they are only just touching and imagine you have a balloon in your stomach (any colour you like!)
2. Take a breath in through your nose, and as you do, imagine your balloon inflating and filling your stomach.
3. Once inflated, pause briefly and begin to let it go
4. Allowing the breath to leave out of  your mouth and as you do, the balloon deflates
5. Repeat this, noticing too how the balloon gets lighter in colour as you breath in and inflates and darker as you breath out and deflates

Practice this regularly, the more you practice the quicker and easier it will be to implement when you really need it! If you only ever do it when you're really stressed, its likely to feel forced and unnatural and therefore not very relaxing!! You don't always have to find somewhere quiet and shut your eyes. You can keep your eyes open and look quite normal stood in the queue at the local bakers while doing this!

TOP TIP: If you're angry breathing exercises can help too but avoid starting by taking a deep breath in, instead, take a breath out, blow out (make sure the balloon is empty before gently inflating it again! And aim to focus on calm breath) The reason for this is when we're angry a deep breath in can energise us into acting and that isn't always helpful when we might be better helped by taking a step back and thinking before acting! 

New Year and many people are thinking about how to “improve themselves”, whether its “dry January” or starting a new exercise regime or eating plan. New Year resolutions are generally made to better ourselves or our situation….. Mine, if you’re interested, is to keep up my mindfulness meditation and to practice gratitude daily….. well actually that isn’t really a “New Year” resolution, just a resolution that I still need to keep reminding myself in a compassionate and encouraging way, until it becomes a good-enough-habit, that it’s an old habit!

Whenever you decide to make change, New Year or mid-year, it takes some effort, it doesn’t just happen! Its far easier to keep treading the path you know well and forgetting there’s an alternative route!

Currently everywhere I look I see adverts for gym membership and slimming clubs…… then I wonder, is someone trying to tell me something?! Well yes – of course! They want the business and they’re offering us a service; they know a lot of us want help to achieve change. And New Year is traditionally when people make their resolutions to change. Human beings are creatures of habit and are also generally social creatures, so being in a group of like-minded people gives a sense of belonging (we don’t like to think we’re alone and the only one with a ‘problem’), having another person to support and motivate us can feel good so it seems like a good idea – and indeed it CAN be a good idea! There's nothing wrong with joining a group, getting a personal trainer or roping in your 'bestie' to help you.

But some New Year resolutions just don’t last long, at worst, less than a day!!! Thinking about making change and putting a plan in place doesn’t always mean putting change in to action is straightforward, let alone maintaining it!

Setting a goal, making it achievable, developing a plan can certainly help but oh, how good are we, at sabotaging our good intentions?!! How many people have paid for gym membership and not used it?! The idea that paying for something will motivate us doesn’t always quite pan out that way ☹

There’s an old saying, “old habits die hard”, well the truth is that old habits don’t “die”. After all, think about it, the ability to ride a bicycle doesn’t “die”; we don’t forget how to ride a bicycle, if we haven’t done it for a while, we might be a bit rusty and less agile but once the behaviour is learnt we don’t unlearn it. The same goes for other, often less helpful, behaviours we’ve learnt - we don’t forget how to or lose the ability to drink alcohol, to smoke or to eat unhealthily. And on top of that when we’re trying to change these particular habits we also have to struggle with things like survival instincts and brain chemistry e.g. we need food for energy and growth, we might like the experience of drinking alcohol or eating chocolate, or crave nicotine ….and then there’s stress and temptation etc etc

BUT we CAN keep learning new things and learning to do things differently. New habits ARE hard because the old behaviours (that we’re most used to) are easier, even when the consequences of doing them might be harder on us…. and well, because old habits don’t “die”!

But what we CAN try and do is put old habits to bed and let them “go to sleep” (like the now rusting bicycle in your shed perhaps!) So….. what we need is motivation and strategies, to let old habits “doze off” while we bring new habits ALIVE & nurture them ….and to stop THEM from going to sleep! Zzzz

Whilst the physical/chemical/ biological element might be important to acknowledge and manage e.g nicotine withdrawal, missing the sugar / endorphin rush etc etc, the important factors in starting and maintaining change, are going to be the two things that are totally ours to change: our behaviour …and our THOUGHTS!

Change your behaviour but not your thought processes? You might start off ok but you could soon find the old behaviour waking back up and singing a merry tune! And THERE you have the self-sabotage…. That inner voice…. “oh I can’t be bothered today”, “I’m too tired”, “I don’t have time” “x, y, z is more important right now”, “I deserve a treat”, “one won’t hurt”, “I can’t do this”, “It’s too hard”, “I’ll do it tomorrow”, “Oh well I’ve done it now” etc etc. That’s YOUR inner voice becoming increasingly unhelpful, unmotivating and to top it all, quite possibly self-critical!

In the same way we learn habits in our behaviours, we also learn habits in the way we think. Getting a personal trainer, joining a group or getting your 'bestie' on board to help you with your behaviours also means you hear a helpful (external) voice which hopefully helps to influence your internal voice but you do need to hear that motivation as consistently as possible internally too! Unfortunately sometimes the internal voice and it’s argument for the old habit or against the new one wins. But we CAN successfully train that new voice to stay “awake” when we find and maintain our own meaning / importance in change and when we recognise unhelpful / sabotaging thinking processes. We’re the only ones who can answer our internal selves back when the old voice starts it’s argument! Yep! That's right talking to ourselves is a good thing 😉 

Oh yes, and that’s where I might be able to help you 😊 with strategies to discover, understand and manage your own internal voice so you can succeed in making the change you would like to see…..

And today I will make room for mindfulness and for gratitude.... (perhaps a blog on those another day!?!)